Bum Reviews: Tangled
by albinotanuki
Summary: Chester A. Bum reviews "Tangled".
1. Review

So anyways, for a long time I've wanted Chester A. Bum or anyone else on TGWTG to do a formal review of the movie "Tangled" because I think its one of the best movies out there right now, but the only thing I get was from the Nostalgia Chick and she only brought up the movie just to draw comparisons to Disney and Dreamworks. Is it too much to ask for someone on the site to tell us their actual thoughts and feelings about the film? I'll even listen to the Distressed Watcher give his own cynical review on the film.

Anyways, enough of that rambling.

So yeah, much like how Doug Walker does his Bum Reviews, I pretty much ad-libbed this together. I'm not sure if this would be considered too long for an actual Bum Review, but yeah, I just wrote down whatever came out of my mind at the time.

Disclaimer: I don't own "Tangled" or "Bum Reviews".

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'VEEVERSEENINMYLIFE!

Let down your- SPOILERS!

So I asked them what I was going to see, and they said the movie was called "Tangled", but then I go see the movie and the beginning the movie was like-

"We lied! This is actually the story of 'Rapunzel'."

...Well then why didn't they just call it "Rapunzel"? I thought I was going to watch the sequel to "Beauty Shop" with Queen Latifa, but instead I get "Rapunzel"? What? Was Disney worried that mentioning that a girl is the star character in their movie would scare away boys from seeing it? If so, then why don't you just call movies like "The Little Mermaid" "Tail", "Cinderella" "Shoe", or "Pocahontas" "BORING!"?

But I digress.

So theres this old lady who uses this magic flower to make herself young, but theres this pregnant queen who's dying, so the king orders his servants to steal the flower from the old lady and she's all angry.

(imitates Mother Gothel) "GRR! JUST TO SPITE THEM, I'LL STEAL THEIR YET-TO-BE-BORN CHILD FOR MY OWN SELFISH PURPOSES! MUAH HA HA HA!"

So the queen lives by drinking the magic flower and gives birth to baby Rapunzel, who's hair glows when you sing.

I HAD HAIR THAT GLOWED WHENEVER I SANG ONCE! -or maybe it was a Glo Worm; either way, they both smell bad when set on fire.

But then the old lady sneaks into the castle and steals the baby and locks her up in a tower so she can stay young by brushing her glowy hair.

So Rapunzel grows up and has REALLY long hair as well as a cute little chameleon sidekick and every year she look out from her window on her birthday to watch these lanterns floating in the sky that her parents used to find her way back to them.

Couldn't they have just sent out a search party or something? They might've been able to find her much faster that way.

But anyways, Rapunzel asks the old lady-

(imitates Rapunzel) "May I go see the floating lanterns?"

(imitates Mother Gothel) "No!"

(imitates Rapunzel) "Why?"

(imitates Mother Gothel) "Because the world is a cruel, misogynistic place where advertisers will take your name off the title of your own movie despite you being the main protagonist!"

(imitates Rapunzel) "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

So then theres this guy called Flynn Ryder along with George and Fred Weasley who steals a tiara from the kingdom Rapunzel was stolen from and Flynn Ryder hides in Rapunzel's tower to get away from this bloodhound guard horse.

(imitates Flynn Ryder) "PHEW! I should be safe here."

But then Rapunzel freaks out and hits Flynn on a head with a frying pan!

(imitates Rapunzel hitting Flynn with a frying pan and Flynn collapsing unconscious to the ground)

So Rapunzel hides the crown from Flynn Ryder and bribes him to take her to see the floating lanterns, and Flynn is like-

(imitates Flynn Ryder)"Well then what happens if I don't take you to see the lanterns?"

(imitates Rapunzel threatening Flynn with the frying pan)

(imitates Flynn scared) "Okay."

So they get outside the tower and Flynn takes her over to a pub filled with scary, malicious thugs!

(gasp)

Buts its okay because they all like GIRLY THINGS!

HURRAY!

You see Disney, guys can like girly things too, so there's no point in trying to market this film as something its not. If you don't agree, THEN ANSWER TO THE BIG MUSCULAR MAN WITH THE TINY UNICORN FIGURINES!

So then the palace guards, the horsie, the Weasley twins, and the old lady are chasing after them, so Rapunzel and Flynn Ryder escape through this secret passage way under the pub and exit out to this dam that breaks and they both get trapped in this cave that's slowly filling up with water, and Flynn was like-

(imitates Flynn Ryder) "Well since we're going to die, I should tell you my real name isn't Flynn Ryder."

(imitates Rapunzel) "Its not? Then what is it?"

(imitates Flynn Ryder) "Eugene Fitzherbert."

(imitates Rapunzel trying to stifle a snicker)

(imitates Flynn Ryder) "You say something?"

(imitates Rapunzel) "I like the name 'Eugene Fitzherbert'."

(imitates Flynn Ryder) "Cool."

But then Rapunzel remembers that her hair glows when she sings, so she uses her hair to light up the cave and find a way to escape, and after that, Rapunzel, the chameleon sidekick, and Fly- I mean Eugene Fitzherbert, travel to the kingdom with the help of the horsie that was chasing them before and they get to watch the lanterns float into the sky.

I honestly wasn't on drugs when I watched this; the lanterns actually float into the sky. How do they do that?

But the scene with the lanterns was so pretty that Rapunzel and "Eugene" fall in love and they both start to sing.

(sings to the tune "I See the Light") And at last we found Alan Menken! The music's kinda stilted... But at last we found Alan Menken, and for once its not Randy Newman!

But then Flynn- Eugene-

You know what? I'm just gonna call him "Pancake" from now on.

So Pancake is set up by Fred and George Weasley to be arrested by the palace guards and the Weasley Brothers try to kidnap Rapunzel, but then the old lady stops them.

(imitates Mother Gothel) "Come Rapunzel, I'm taking you away from this cruel, misogynistic place."

But then Rapunzel is like-

(imitates Rapunzel) "You're not really my mom, are you?

(imitates Mother Gothel punching Rapunzel and knocking her out unconscious)

So then Pancake escapes from prison to go rescue Rapunzel, who's now locked up in her tower, but then the old lady STABS him in the stomach!

You know, for kids!

So Rapunzel tries to heal Pancake's raspberry preserve wound, but then Pancake cuts Rapunzel's hair as it magically turns from blonde to brunette, and the old lady is like-

(imitates Mother Gothel) "NO! BRUNETTE HAIR! MY ONE AND ONLY WEAKNESS!" (POOF!)

But then Pancake dies and Rapunzel is really sad.

(imitates Rapunzel crying) "Oh, I'll never be able to taste your syrupy goodness again!"

But then Pancake is brought back to life from Rapunzel's tears.

HURRAY!

You see kids, if your loved one dies, all you have to do is cry to bring them back to life. Go on, cry harder! HARDER!

Oh well, I guess you don't love them enough.

So they return back to the kingdom, Rapunzel becomes a princess again, she and Pancake get married, and they all live happily ever after.

THE END!

So I REALLY liked "Tangled", but GEEZ the marketing for this movie was horrible! So what? Disney decides that girl protagonists aren't worth making money and go all Dreamworks on us just to get boys to see this film? This movie has revolutionary CGI animation, its executive producer is Glenn Keane, has music by Alan Menken, and its their 50th animated film and they're not going to give it the credit that it deserves all because "The Princess and the Frog" made less money than "Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakuel"? Even the Nostalgia Chick called cow-dookie on that and most of the time I can't stand her overly-analyzed shoehorned feminine-ism, and now I'm doing it too!

Women should be the dominant overlords and all men should live underground only to be used as sex slaves! That is the ONLY way we achieve peach in this world!

This is Chester A. Bum saying CHANGE? YOU GOT CHANGE? AWW COME ON, HELP A GUY OUT, WILL YA? COME ON, CHANGE!

Well at least give me a gift certificate to IHOP. All I've had to eat after the movie was Rapunzel's hair and its not a pancake; its tastes like one though.

(Seriously, "Tangled" was an awesome movie, but yeah, the advertizing should've been better)

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So yeah, thats my Bum Review. Not perfect, but I had to do it.


	2. A Note to the Viewers

I'm sorry to disappoint you, but no, this is not a continuation of the review; this is a note to those who commented (most of them anonymous, so I can't comment on the reviews they've already given) and I just wanted to bring this up so I won't get any more comments on the same topic. A lot of people brought the fact that Disney has said that the reason they changed the original title "Rapunzel" to "Tangled" was to draw attention to Flynn Ryder being the hero as well as Rapunzel and that Rapunzel isn't the only protagonist to the movie and not because they want to trick boys into seeing a princess flick. I have already had knowledge of this argument and I have 3 things to bring up about it:

1. Being as this argument came from Disney, I highly doubt that's real case; this is the company that's been known to market off of subliminal sex scenes, unnecessary direct-to-video sequels, tween pop-stars that are terrible musicians and are most likely to wear a purity ring to make parents feel safe about their kids listening to them, and "Chicken Little", so they've been known to go to the lowest common denominator just to make a quick buck, even when it gets in the way of their own high art. Also, if its not really a princess film, then how come the only merchandise I've seen come out of "Tangled" happen to be Rapunzel Barbie dolls and dresses? Don't they have any Flynn Ryder action figures or fantasy fighting play-sets? I'm not saying that there aren't boys out there don't like Barbie dolls and dresses, but thats not how Disney normally markets out to the young male demographic, so if you REALLY want to sell out to both genders, then at least got to provide for your target audience or they won't be satisfied. As much as "Tangled" itself is a wonderful movie that I recommend seeing, the marketing for the film is terrible.

2. In the beginning, "Tangled" was originally gonna be called "Rapunzel Unbraided" and was going to be a Shrek-like fractured fairytale where two kids from the real world trade places with Rapunzel and the prince, who for some reason get transformed into a squirrel and a beagle, in the fairytale world. For many of us who grew up during the Disney Renaissance and were tired of Disney trying to be more like Dreamworks than their what they originally were, we weren't very stellar about this idea. So you can imagine our disappointment when hearing that they were going to change the movie title to "Rapunzel" and made in the traditional way of Disney storytelling only to have the the movie's title changed at the last minute to "Tangled" and putting out trailers that were too much like the Dreamworks-eque films that Disney said they weren't going to be anymore. Again, the marketing it terrible.

3. This is a "Bum Review"; this was just suppose to be made for fun and not to be taken seriously. Yeah, I'm being serious right now, but thats because I'm tired of getting the same post on my email all because of some jokes I've made relating to the marketing of this film. I never I would find Douchey McNitpick in the "Tangled" section of , but I've found him, folks, and he is downright annoying.

I'm sorry to have wasted your time with this; I hope you at least enjoyed the Bum Review and please stop sending e-mails on the same topic again.


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